Two Months
by Lthien Arnatuil
Summary: In a specially marked box of Twinkies there is a way for two girls to get to Middle-earth. They do, only they're not in their own bodies...they're in Lord Elrond's and Haldir's!
1. Ooh! Twinkies!

Blonde-haired, green-eyed Kathryn "Kate" Lengar and her raven-black-haired, blue-eyes sister Melissa "Mel" were sitting on the floor near the television, snacking on Twinkies and soda, and watching The Fellowship of the Ring.  
  
"Who's your favorite character?" asked Mel, her eyes glued to the television as Elrond launched into his "Doom of the World" speech.  
"Aragorn," replied Kate absentmindedly.  
"Why don't you like Legolas? Or better yet, why don't you like Elrond?"  
"Because I don't like old guys and prissy Elves."  
  
Mel gasped and threw a Twinkie at her older sister. "How dare you insult the Hotness and Mr. Bowman!"  
  
Kate looked at her. "The Hotness?" she said, quirking and eyebrow. "Who is the 'Hotness'?"  
"Er...Legolas."  
"And I suppose 'Mr. Bowman' would be Elrond, correct?"  
"Yep."  
"Right."  
  
A few minutes later Kate turned to look at her fifteen year old sister practically drooling as Elrond said "The Ring cannot be destroyed by any weapon we here hold, Gimli son of Gloin".  
  
"You're nasty," she remarked.  
"What?!"   
"You actually *like* Elrond!"  
"...So?"  
"He looks like a frog."  
"No he doesn't!"  
"Yes, he does."  
"NO HE DOESN'T!"  
"Yes! He DOES!"  
"NO! HE! DOES! NOT!"  
  
Mel threw the box of Twinkies at her sister, hoping for her to shut-up. No deal.  
  
"Elrond is a fro-og, Elrond is a fro-og, Elrond is a fro-og!" Kate sang.   
"Stop it!"  
"Ribbit... RIBBIT!"  
"Aragorn's a pig!"  
"No he's not!"  
"He sweats mud!"  
"NO HE DOESN'T!"  
  
Mel paused to grab the other box of Twinkies--a specially marked Lord of the Rings one--and reached inside. Her hand met not the cream-filled yellow snack, but a piece of paper. She pulled it out and looked at it a moment before yelling, "Oh. My. GAWD! WE WON THE GRAND PRIZE!"  
  
"We did?" asked Kate. She crawled over to her sister and peered over her shoulder at the piece of paper.  
  
It read:  
  
Dear Twinkie Buyer Person,  
  
Congrats! You have won the grand prize! All you need to do is fill out the form below and then burn it!  
  
"...Burn it?" asked Kate incredulously. "Mel, I think someone put that in there to fool you."   
"No way, Kate," replied Mel shaking her head. "This is the real deal."  
  
Kate stared at her sister for a moment before shaking her head and saying, "You're stupid." She then crawled back to her spot near the television and continued watching the movie.  
  
Mel grabbed a pen and started to fill out the form.  
  
"'Who would you like to be if you went to Middle-earth?'" read Mel, then scribbled down: "The...Hotness..." She frowned, erased the answer, glanced over her shoulder make sure Kate wasn't watching her, then wrote: "Elrond Peredhil. 'What would you take with you (Limit--three things)?' Three things? That sucks! Well...um...dark sunglasses--to be Mr. Smith! He's Hotness number two--, a truck-load of chocolate, and Socks, my cat. 'Do you have any siblings?' Yes. One. 'Who would they like to be in Middle-earth?'" Mel started to write down Aragorn but stopped and instead wrote down: "Haldir. 'What would they take with them?' Nothing. 'Last but not least, how long would you like to stay in Middle-earth (Limit--two months)? ...These people suck. Um...two months. Now I have to...burn the paper."  
  
Mel shrugged, stood up, walking into the kitchen and, using a lit candle, burned the paper and threw it into the sink until it was just a pile of ash.  
  
Kate rushed into the kitchen, an expression of fear on her face from smelling the smoke. When she saw Mel standing next to the sink, a small wisp of smoke coming out of it, she angrily strode up to Mel and hit her upside the head.  
  
"You're stupid!" she yelled, then walked out of the kitchen.  
"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!" Mel yelled back.  
"SUPER BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!"  
"SUPER DUPER BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!"  
  
"Time for bed, girls!"   
  
Mel and Kate groaned at hearing their mother's voice then trudged up to the room that they shared. They changed into their pajamas, then got into their beds.  
  
"You're stupid," said Kate before she turned off the light.  
  
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Yep, it's stupid, but who cares. Next chapter should be up in about and hour. ^_^ Review please! Nothing belongs to me. *Sigh* It belongs to Professor J.R.R. Tolkien. I just want an Elf! Preferably Elrond... :P 


	2. It Begins

Elrond Peredhil, Lord of Imladris, shook his head slightly and closed his eyes then opened them again. He stared blankly at the book he held in front of him. He squinted as his eyes crossed again, shook his head a little harder this time in frustration, and closed his eyes.   
  
A headache had formed in his head half an hour ago, starting off small then becoming more painful as the minutes wore on.   
  
Opening his eyes, he tried to read the second paragraph of the page for the umpteenth time.  
  
A knock came at the door and Glorfindel stepped inside.   
  
Elrond squinted at him.  
  
"Elrond, how are you doing?" asked Glorfindel, taking a step toward Elrond.  
  
"To tell you the truth," Elrond admitted, looking down at the book before closing it with a sigh, "I'm afraid I have a bit of a headache and I can't...focus...very well at all." Elrond looked up from the book to the left and looked at a blurred Glorfindel.  
  
"You see, I can't see you clearly."  
  
A hand rested on his right shoulder and Elrond started, turning to look at his golden-haired friend.   
  
"How in the world did you get over there?" he asked.  
  
"Elrond...you were looking at a portrait on the wall," said Glorfindel, concerned.  
  
"Oh, yes. ...I knew that."  
  
Glorfindel looked uncertain, but nodded anyways.   
  
"Do you want a glass of water, perhaps? Do you think that will help?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, I would like that very much, Glorfindel."  
  
Glorfindel smiled and left.  
  
Elrond stared down at the closed book, sighed, and stood up. He started to make his way toward the door, but stopped as the pain in his head seemed to double.   
  
His vision blurred again and a dizziness enveloped him. The room around him started to spin and he finally fell, unconsciousness taking him before he hit the floor   
  
*  
  
Mel woke with a yawn and reached over to grab for a Twinkie she had put on her nightstand before falling asleep.  
  
Sitting up and gazing happily at the Twinkie, she unwrapped it and inhaled the yellow cream-puff. A few crumbs fell on her green comforter, but she made no move to wipe them off.   
  
Another Twinkie rested on the floor on the left of her bed and she leaned over the edge to pick it up. Unfortunately, this didn't go according to plan and she ended up with a thud on the ground.   
  
Frowning, she picked up the Twinkie and shoved into her mouth.  
  
"You're disgusting," remarked her sister from the door. "And why are you still in bed?"  
  
"'Cause it's a Saturday, moron."  
  
"Well, now that you're up, get dressed and come down stairs, poop-for-brains-girl."  
  
'At least she didn't call me stupid,' thought Mel happily, chewing on the remains of the Twinkie. 'Today might be a good day!'  
  
"And you're stupid," called Kate as she walked out the door and down the hall.  
  
'Most likely going to brush her blindingly white teeth again,' thought Mel, sticking her tongue out at the door. 'If she keeps doing that, I swear her teeth will fall out. I SUPPORT THE COLGATE CONSPIRACY! Ha, ha!'  
  
Mel had the enjoyment of having the mental picture of a toothless Kate smiling for school pictures.  
  
She giggled and stood up, but her feet got caught in the folds of her comforter, and she fell down again.  
  
"Ah, poo," Mel muttered. She kicked free of the comforter and started crawling out into the hallway toward the stairs. Pausing a moment to see if Kate was in fact in the bathroom--which she wasn't--, Mel reached the stairs, stood up and started to walking down them.   
  
"Elrond's a frog!" Kate declared loudly from the kitchen.  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"Bleh to you, Twinkie dork!"  
  
"I am not a Twinkie dork!"  
  
"...I know that, Mel. But it's so much fun teasing you."  
  
Mel walked into the kitchen and stared at Kate, who was gulping down a glass of Pepsi and munching on a chocolate bar, a goofy yet happy smile on her face.  
  
"...You really mean that?" asked Mel.  
  
"Yepperoonies," replied Kate, biting a large chunk off the chocolate bar.  
  
"Cool! So Elrond's not a frog?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Yeah, he's still a frog and you're still a Twinkie dork," replied Kate, shrugging.  
  
"Whatever," muttered Mel with a glare.  
  
She found a box of Twinkies and plopped down in a chair by the table and started eating them one by one as Kate got another chocolate bar and started chewing on it.  
  
"...You are aware of the fact that we are going to get very sugar-high, right?" asked Kate after her third chocolate bar and second Pepsi.  
  
Mel grinned happily. "TATERS! Taters, taters, taters...have you noticed how WEIRD that word is? TATERS!"  
  
"It has begun..." She reached for another chocolate bar and popped the tab on another Pepsi can. "...Hmm. What an interesting taste...if I didn't know any better, I'd say I was drinking rainbow plastic thingerdoodles." Kate giggled and took a drink of her Pepsi.  
  
*  
  
"Okay, it's my turn," laughed Kate. "We are going to be surfer dudes, 'kay? Alrighty then!" She cleared her throat. "DUUUUDE! Did you see me ride that totally awesome wave?"  
  
"Like, totally, man!" replied Mel. "It was, like, tubular!"  
  
"I know!"  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Wait, huh?"  
  
"...Dude, stop confusing me!"  
  
"Ohmigod! I am, like, so totally sorry!"  
  
"...For what, dude?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"...Dude, you are totally doing it again!"  
  
"Doing what, man?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Dude, stop it!"  
  
Mel and Kate collapsed on the floor in a heap of giggles.  
  
"DUUUUUUUUDE!" They yelled simultaneously.  
  
After a few moments, Mel stood up and wiped a tear from her eyes, chuckling softly.   
  
"Man, being sugar-high is fun," she said.  
  
"Dude." agreed Kate with a solemn face.  
  
Mel looked down at her, confused.  
  
"What's the matter?" asked Kate, concerned.  
  
Mel's face brightened and she smiled. "Oh, nothing, I just had this feeling in my stomach and I didn't know what it was, but now I do and I'm okay now, so bye."   
  
Kate stared at her. "Well, what is the feeling?"  
  
"I hafta pee."  
  
"Then go!"  
  
"Okie-dokie."  
  
"HANNIBAL LECTOR!"  
  
"There is nothing wrong with saying that."  
  
"EVIL! Evil, evil, evil!"  
  
"...Okay, I hafta pee really bad now, so bye-bye."  
  
Mel turned around and trotted toward the hallway toward the bathroom.  
  
"I'm bored!" declared Kate to herself. "And my head hurts!" She jumped up and walked into the family room and turned the television on to the infomercial channel where a man in a dark suit was holding up a bizarre object and blabbing about how wonderful it was. He blurred for a moment and Kate shook her head.  
  
Kate muted it, leaving the man moving his mouth.  
  
"Do you have a big butt?" she said in a deep voice, trying to mimic a man's. "No, I'm talkin' 'bout a REALLY fat elephant butt. If so, then buy the Ifyouhaveabigelephantbutbuythisstupidmachinethinganditwillmakeitsmaller'O'Matic!"  
  
A woman was now on the television holding the strange doohickey in her hand.   
  
Kate switched to a high voice. "Hi, I'm tour guide Barbie! I used the Ifyouhaveabigelephantbutbuythisstupidmachinethinganditwillmakeitsmaller'O'Matic and---" Kate gasped. "---MY BUTT BECAME SMALLER! Ohmigod! OH MY G---"  
  
A scream came from the bathroom and Kate jumped and dropped the remote.  
  
Panic washed over her and she literally flew out of the family room and into the bathroom.   
  
There lay her sister, unmoving, on the floor.   
  
"She forgot to flush..." muttered Kate for no apparent reason. Her vision blurred again and she shook her head in frustration. "Mel, I am in no mood to play these stupid games."  
  
She kicked her sister with the toe of her shoe, but Mel didn't move.  
  
"Interesting."  
  
Suddenly she felt very dizzy...   
  
Grabbing for the edge of the sink, Kate stumbled and tripped over her sister. She fell toward her sister, closing her eyes and waiting for the hit, but never met it.  
  
*  
  
"Stop complaining, Rùmil," sighed Haldir.  
  
"But it is not FAIR!"  
  
"Just because you are losing, does not mean it is not fair," said Orophin, laying a pair of cards down next to him.  
  
"Easy for you to say, you cheat," muttered Rùmil.  
  
Haldir rolled his eyes and Orophin smiled innocently.   
  
"Haldir, it is your turn," said Orophin.   
  
"It is? Well, um..." Haldir looked down at his cards. "...Rùmil, do you have any red...ugly...things, or whatever they are called?"  
  
Rùmil glared at his brother and reluctantly handed Haldir one of his cards.  
  
Haldir set the pair down beside him.  
  
"This is stupid," grumbled Rùmil. "Why are we even playing this child's game?"  
  
"Because," replied Orophin.  
  
"I hate that answer."  
  
"Yes, well I find it the perfect response to anything involving 'why'," said Orophin with a smile.  
  
"Be quiet."  
  
"Haldir, go again."  
  
Haldir stared at his cards. "Orophin, do you have any red..." He squinted and shook his head as his vision blurred. "Do you have any green...long things?"   
  
  
  
Orophin smiled. "Go fish!"  
  
  
  
"Very well..." Haldir reached for a card from the pile sitting in the middle of them. "Oh look, I got a green, long thing so I get to go again."  
  
Rùmil sighed.   
  
"Orophin," Haldir said as he set the pair down beside him, "do you have a cow?"  
  
"...A cow? Haldir, this is Go *Fish*," said Rùmil.  
  
Haldir squinted at his cards again and blinked rapidly, trying to clear his vision. He looked up to see his brothers staring at him, concerned.   
  
"Haldir?" said Orophin.   
  
Haldir's eyes widened as his brothers became colorful blobs and the world around them started spinning.   
  
"Hmm," he said, starting to fall backwards. "Rùmil, Orophin, would you mind helping me? I think I'm going to fall..."   
  
And he did.  
  
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Yeah! Thanks for the reviews guys! Count 'em, FOUR! Pretty good... Anywho, I hope you like this chapter. It's MUCH better than the first one. And longer too :D Well, it's sort of a cliffhanger, but not much of one. Um...please review!   
  
Isilwen-Telpefion, Mel doesn't have a clue about Celebrían. Plus she was sugar-high. And just plain weird.   
  
soul, thanks for the review!  
  
Scottish Yukon, thanks for the review!  
  
Faulkner, thanks for the review! I don't really like Twinkies myself, though.   
  
Disclaimer: If I owned LotR I'd be dead. Or rich. Beside, you'd have to be a moron to think that MY writing is any where NEAR as good as Professor J.R.R. Tolkien's. ...Can I have my Elf now? 


	3. Nay, you are the woman!

Elrond's mind played a curse over and over in his head as slowly regained consciousness. His face was buried in the carpet, making breathing difficult, and, if it was possible, he felt...smaller in a way. He moved one of his hands, but it didn't go far before touching something --perhaps a bookshelf, he thought.   
  
He moved his other hand, but it met with another thing blocking his path. There was one in front of him as well. He groaned and tried to push himself up from the floor, but something was laying on top of him, weighing him down.  
  
Surprise was soon replaced by an alien, shameful claustrophobic panic. He was trapped and something wouldn't let him up. He was trapped. Oh, Elbereth, he was trapped!  
  
Elrond's eyes opened wide and he tried, with little success to calm down. He breathing quickened. Closing his eyes, he once again put his hands under him and pushed up with all the strength in him, but was rewarded with a stretched pain that coursed through his arms. Why was he so weak? Why did he feel so frightened? And *why* did the carpet smell like cinnamon?  
  
The mental image of a young, dark-haired woman dropping a small bottle of liquid on herself and a small rug, located in a room of tile and flowered walls appeared in his mind. Even stranger was the fact that it was *funny*.  
  
Elrond had little time to think what about what it meant because a feminine giggle distracted him.  
  
'What in the world...?' he thought.   
  
The object on top of him shifted and groaned softly.  
  
'Oh, Elbereth, I'm going to die!' his mind wailed.  
  
Why was he acting so childish? What in the name of all that was pure and good was GOING ON!?   
  
'Like, totally stupid surfer dudes!'  
  
Another giggle was heard.  
  
'Where did *that* thought come from? And who *was* that?' thought Elrond. '...Totally stupid surfer dudes? What are "surfer dudes"? They must be chocolate-coated pink fishies! ...I fear that I am losing my mind...'  
  
Another giggle.  
  
Elrond smiled for no apparent reason, finally becoming aware of the giddy energy that was sweeping through him. He giggled.   
  
Eyes becoming wide, Elrond realized that the giggles had come from *him*! He was...giggling... Was he...no...he had not consumed any wine earlier...but then how...?   
  
The weight on top of him shifted, moaning, and he yelped. A very un-lordly yelp...which turned into a high-pitched scream when the weight again moved. The scream ended abruptly as his was shoved into the carpet once more. And...*men* did not scream like that...nor did Elrond *at all* for that matter...   
  
*  
  
Mel groaned and placed a hand on her forehead. Her palm met tepid pieces of weaving metal and confusion replaced the dulling pain in her head.   
  
'What in the world...?'  
  
She placed her finger on the pieces of metal and slowly slid them down until they were on bare flesh again. Sliding her fingers under a them, she slowly pulled it off, lifting her head once she realized that it went all around her head, explaining the odd lump that she had only partly noticed when waking.   
  
She opened her eyes and saw, with no longer blurry vision, a really *shiny* silver circlet that somehow seemed familiar...  
  
"Elrond!" someone exclaimed from above her.  
  
She gave a startled cry and tried to stand up, dropping the circlet. Unfortunately, she was wearing not her hip-huggers and tank-top, but a *dress*. The new garb made her stumble when she tried to stand and spin around to face the owner of the voice, fall once again to the floor with a frightened squeak (the somehow strange sound making her want to laugh), and land on her rear.   
  
"Elrond! Elrond, are you all right?" asked the voice.   
  
"Elrond...?" asked Mel, with slightly dazed and confused tones. She was looking down at her dress--no *robes*, she realized, with surprise, hardly paying attention to the person talking to her. "Why are you calling my...Elrond?"  
  
"Is that not your name, my friend?"  
  
Mel finally looked up at the speaker. It was a man, tall, golden-haired and drop-dead gorgeous. Those three things were the only things Mel really *ever* paid attention to really. He was also holding a cup of water in his right hand.   
  
'Glorfindel,' her mind said, though the name was foreign to her. What the heck was a Glorfy-indel?  
  
"Am I in Heaven?" she asked. With a start, she heard the difference in her voice. It was deeper, more masculine with a trace of an accent.  
  
"Eh...no, Elrond, you are not," said the blonde man--Glorfy-indel.   
  
'God, he's hot...'  
  
"Then why am I seeing someone as hot as you standing in front of me, why am I wearing a weird halo-thing, and *why* am I wearing a dress?" Mel frowned at her accent.   
  
"Pardon me?" said Glorfy-indel.  
  
"You are hot. Cute. Cuter than Elrond, actually...way cuter."  
  
"...What?"  
  
"O-o-okay...how about 'drop-dead gorgeous'?"  
  
The blonde grew even more confused.  
  
"You are dashingly handsome. As in 'mmm...handsomeness...'. Or, 'ahhh...handsomeness...'. Or even 'ooooh! Gosh he's hot--er, handsome!'. Whichever you prefer."   
  
"Eh...thank you, Elrond," replied Glorfy-indel, looking at her with concern. "Listen, Peredhil," he said finally, "I believe that you may have hit your head a little harder than I had first suspected, for you are talking strangely and it is very...bothersome. Maybe you should lie down for a bit?" he suggested, raising and eyebrow.  
  
"Why in the world would I--well, now that I think about it, I *am* a little tired...where is my giddy sugar-high energy?"  
  
"Of that, I know naught," sighed Glorfy-indel.   
  
With that Glorfindel left Mel standing there, contemplating for a few seconds how she got here and why there was a Hotness #3 in her house.   
  
After a moment, Mel turned to leave and caught her reflection in the mirror.  
  
"Oh. My. God."   
  
*  
  
"Haldir, Haldir!" cried a voice above Kate.  
  
"Haldir, are you all right?" asked another voice.   
  
"Of course he is not all right, Orophin!" yelled the other voice.  
  
"Well, how do *you* know, Rùmil? He might have just stood up too fast," said the voice called Orophin.  
  
"You are not very wise if you believe something as idiotic as that," said the one called Rùmil.  
  
"And you are just plain stupid, brother."  
  
"I advise you watch what you say to me, Orophin, lest something bad should happen to you."  
  
"Was that a *threat*?"  
  
"...Oh, it *might* have been."  
  
"I see..."  
  
"I am afraid to ask what you mean by that."  
  
"That is because you are a little girl, Rùmil."  
  
"And now I am going to kill you."  
  
"I doubt that, my brother."  
  
"That is because your brain is the size of a walnut."  
  
"And yours the size of a grain of rice."  
  
"Yes, well mine actually *works*."  
  
"Not very well, if you think that I can cheat at Go FISH," snorted Orophin.  
  
"Well, you were!"  
  
"You are an idiot."  
  
"You are a fool."  
  
"You are a girl."  
  
"You are a hag."  
  
"You are a coward."  
  
"You are a lousy bowmen."  
  
"You are a---"  
  
"Will you please SHUT UP!" screamed Kate.  
  
She had opened her eyes when they had first called her Haldir--for what reason, she had no clue--and had watched them, dumbfounded. Only Mel and her had been able to pull of an argument like that.  
  
They were both male, both blonde, and both exceedingly annoying. They now stared at her owlishly with their blue-grey eyes, their mouths formed in little 'o's of surprise.  
  
"Who *are* you guys?" she asked.  
  
Rùmil and Orophin looked slowly at each other.  
  
"Very funny, Haldir," said Orophin with a glare once he had turned back to her. "Don't frighten us like that!"  
  
"Well, ex-cuuuuuuse me!" she cried. "I didn't *mean* to keel over in a bathroom and wake up to find annoying, prissy jerks in my face, fighting with each other like little BABIES!" Her voice had gradually grown into a scream and the two men were once again staring at her, their eyes wide with fear.   
  
"...Haldir?" whispered Rùmil.  
  
"WHAT!?"   
  
They both covered their ears, wincing, as if she was hurting them.   
  
"Haldir, please don't scream..." pleaded Orophin.  
  
"That is NOT MY NAME! STOP CALLING ME THAT!"  
  
They pressed their hands against their ears harder, and grimaced, recoiling.  
  
"Please, Haldir, please," whimpered Orophin. "Stop screaming..."  
  
Kate sat up, arms crossed and frowning. "I will talk to you quietly if you please explain to me *why* you insist on calling me 'Haldir', when I am plainly not a stupid air-headed bimbo-elf such as him."  
  
Rùmil frowned at this. He knew not what a 'bimbo' was but he knew what an air-head was, and he wasn't pleased to be insulted like that.  
  
"Now, Hal--" he started before Orophin nudged him in the ribs, silencing him. "What do you wish to be called?" he asked instead.  
  
"Kate," said Kate with a scowl. "Because it's my *name*."  
  
"Why do you wished to be called Kate?" asked Rùmil. "It is a name fit for a *female*."  
  
Kate stared at them in disbelief. "Because it my NAME," she replied slowly, as if they were moronic children, which, in her mind, they were.  
  
Orophin frowned, but nodded. "Yes...Kate," he replied, trying not to laugh.  
  
And that's when Kate noticed them. The ears. The *pointed* ears that both of the men had.  
  
'They're Elves!' her mind cried. 'They're stupid, prissy jerk Elves! Like Legolas! And...they called me Haldir... Oh, no... What if I *am* Haldir!?'  
  
It made her eyes widen, the inside of her mouth become dry, and her eyes cross at just the *thought* of being in that Elf's body.   
  
She grabbed for her hair, her *black* hair. No...no! Her hair was *blonde*... She reached back, grasping at an ear, only to find it end in a point...then she looked down at her chest.   
  
"Ugh...!" she cried. "Not only am I a prissy Elf, I'm a *dude*!"   
  
*  
  
Haldir's eyes flew open once he realized he couldn't breath very well and he shot up in fear, the memory of falling fresh on his mind.   
  
There was an 'oof' from beneath him and, with a cry, he jumped up. But the room he had somehow gotten into was small and he quickly fell back down on top of what appeared to be a young woman.  
  
Another, louder 'oof' was heard, and a groan accompanied it.  
  
Haldir, slowly tried to get up, but his attempts were futile, and he finally had to use the woman's back to push himself up, causing another 'oof'.   
  
Haldir took a moment to study his surroundings once he had gained his balance.  
  
The walls were all cover in painted flowers, there was a large white tub with a thick curtain attached to rings on a rod that stretched from one part of the wall to another in front of him, and a sink a little was ahead on his right. He took a step toward it, but stepped on the woman's body making her 'oof' again.  
  
"Would you mind not doing that," groaned the woman.  
  
"Pardon me, milady, but where am I?" asked Haldir.  
  
"Milady? *Milady*?" said the woman with a confused tone, sitting up. Her black hair, probably...decent...at any *regular* time, was tangled and unkempt as if she had just woken up.   
  
'Or it could be my fault...' thought Haldir guiltily.   
  
  
  
She turned and stared at him, her blue eyes widening in shock.   
  
"Who are you?" she demanded. "And why do you call me a lady when plainly I am not?"  
  
"...Pardon me?" said Haldir. 'Madness...madness.'  
  
"If anyone is a woman here, it is *you*, milady," said the woman--no, girl. She was a girl. A very *young* girl. And she was mortal. A human. One of the race of Men. Haldir bristled, suspicion coming edging into his mind. How had she gotten into Lothlórien?   
  
"How did you get here?" demanded Haldir with a frown.  
  
"How did *you* get here?" replied the girl.  
  
"You confuse me, child."  
  
"*Child*? I am anything but a *child*, milady."  
  
"I am not a lady and am starting to tire of this little game. Now, explain to me how you have gotten into the woods of Lothlórien without anyone knowing. Speak quickly, or you might suffer dire consequences."  
  
The woman's mouth was set in a thin, angry line. "How dare you speak to me in such a way! And I know naught of what you speak, for I am in Rivendell, my *home*, not Lothlórien."  
  
"Rivendell?"   
  
"Yes."  
  
"No, I fear you are wrong, this is Lothlórien."  
  
"No, I fear that *you* are wrong. This is *Rivendell*."  
  
"It is *Lothlórien*."  
  
"Rivendell."  
  
"Lothlórien."  
  
"Well, wherever we are," said the woman, throwing her hands up in the air, exasperated, "you are a woman, I am a man, we are both bickering over something not worth our time, and I have inhaled much dust and an overpowering cinnamon smell." The last thought was mostly to herself.  
  
'Madness...madness. ...She thinks she's a male?'  
  
"I have a feeling that you are undergoing something that has to do with telling the difference between genders..." said Haldir with concern. "For you are wro---"  
  
"Look!" cried the woman, standing up. "I do not *care* what you think. I am not in my study, I am *not* in Rivendell, Lothlórien, or *wherever*, I am tired, my nose *hurts*, and I have the sudden urge to giggle insanely like a madman!"  
  
"Well, that doesn't help *me*. And...I seem to be having the same problem..." Yes, Haldir now felt the happy blood flowing in his veins. What had caused such a feeling?  
  
The woman growled something, grabbed his shoulder and shoved him toward the curiously shaped mirror hanging on the wall.   
  
"Look," she said. "Look in the mirror. I am a---" she stopped when she saw both of their reflection. Eyes widening, she yelped.  
  
"I am a *woman*!" she cried.  
  
"Yes! You are!" cried Haldir with a certain satisfaction. He then, too, looked into the mirror. "Ai!" he cried. "*I'm* a woman!"  
  
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OH MY GOSH... I am SOOOO sorry for keeping you waiting like that! I had this in here for about a month or two...whenever, but I didn't like it much so...I forgot about it and...gah, please forgive me. Ah...and if you are one of those angsty readers, I found a angsty-and slightly humorous--story by Lorraine1 called Mornie Utulie. Elrond slavery...oh, so good, though. And another one she's done, Alone. Sad. No humor.   
  
Thank you for the reviews, guys! I thrive on them. Not to sound obsessed or anything... Please review! And once again I'm sorry.  
  
Disclaimer: When pigs fly is the day that I'll own Lord of the Rings. Soooo...I don't own it, to put it quite simply. 


	4. Curiosity Soaked Elrond

"Oh. My. God," repeated Mel, eyes widening in shock. A large, surprised,*male* was staring back at her. His long, twilight-coloured hair was slightly tousled, and his clothing...his red velvet *robes* was rumpled and one of the long sleeves was hiked up on his arm, showing fair skin and a considerable amount of muscles.  
  
"Oh. My. ...Okay, no more saying that. You will...like, jinx...something," muttered Mel, then yelped as the man in the mirror's mouth moved too and...she was pretty sure that *he* had been the one to speak.  
  
"Oh. My. ...Arg! I'm a guy!" she wailed, her voice becoming shrill...er...the man's voice...which sounded strange, she had to note. She snorted. Men...wailing shrilly. That was, like, for *girls* only. Duh.   
  
The door opened suddenly, slowly, as if in hesitation. Glorfy-indel's head poked inside, and he peered at her, concerned. "Elrond..." he said uncertainly. "Are you all right?"  
  
"Dude, what are you *doing*?" asked Mel, quirking an eyebrow. She struck a pose that consisted of one of her hips going out, then placing both of her hands on her hips. It distinctly said "Ex-cuuuse me?"   
  
Glorfy-indel's eyebrows nearly went up nearly to his hairline. "Pardon me?" he asked, scrutinizing his former-lord's pose and his strange choice in words with concern.  
  
"Like, what the *heck* are you doing? Just...standing there? Not cool, dude."  
  
Glorfy-indel's eyebrows went up higher.  
  
"Are you, like, *spying* on me?" asked Mel shrilly. Excitement lit her eyes. "COOL!"  
  
"Nay..." replied Glorfy-indel uncertainly. "Nay, I was just standing outside the door... Are you all right, Elrond? You seem...different."  
  
"He-ll-o-o-o-o-o!" said Mel in her best "Duh" voice. "I'm a *guy*! And that is...like, *really* different than my normal afternoons, 'kay? I'm a *guy*. A *guyyyyyyy*. And I'm hot...but you seem hotter, Glorfy-indel," finished Mel with a slight pout, crossing her arms across her chest. Her flat chest.  
  
'Ohhh...' Mel's brow furrowed, but she tried not to give it much thought. She really wasn't...very...big... She felt a great warmth come to her cheeks at that.  
  
"Yes...you are male," said Glorfy-indel. "You always have been. ...Elrond, have you, perhaps, consumed a large amount of wine this past hour without my knowing? And my name is *Glorfindel*. *Glorfindel*.  
  
Mel gasped. "I'm *underage*, you ninny!" she cried, then laughed. Ninny was a funny word... And Glorfindel was sooo much better a name than "Glorfy-indel".  
  
Glorfy---*Glorfindel* frowned. "...You are six millennia old, Elrond."  
  
"...Dude...wait, Elrond? Like, as in: THE HOTNESS?! THE hotness?! OHMIGOD. OH MY GOD. Wait...*I'M* THE HOTNESS?! OHHHHHHHHH MY GOOOOOOOOD!"  
  
Glorfindel's hands flew to his pointed ears, a pained look forming on his face. "Peredhil..." he murmured. Actually it was more of a whimper.  
  
And suddenly Mel started laughing. Her voice sounded sooo weird! Like, her voice didn't *sound* like Elrond--not at all, really and she did not look like Elrond either, very much--but it sounded weird when she screamed like that! It was sooo funny! ...Suddenly Mel became disturbed by the way her mind was thinking. Had her happy sugar-high energy returned? "Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please..." she whispered, jumping up and down, forgetting about her funny screaming voice. "OH, PLEASE! I WANT MY HAPPY SUGAR-HIGH ENERGY!"  
  
Glorfindel pressed his hands harder against his ears. "*Elrond*," he ground out, narrowing his eyes in pain. "Please...stop...*screaming*."  
  
"So, I am, like, the *Lord of Rivendell*?" asked Mel abruptly.   
  
Glorfindel slowly lowered his hands from his ears after he had blinked slowly in shock. How his lord had been able to reach a voice-level such as that...would remain a mystery. He regarded the strange peredhel in front of him. "Yes. Yes, you are, Elrond. Lord of Imladris."  
  
"Rivendell," corrected Mel matter-of-factly. "So...I'M THE LORD OF RIVENDELL?!"  
  
Hands flying to ears, Glorfindel moaned and started edging to the door. Oh, the pain...arg, Elrond...horrible peredhel...torture. Torture! Was this to get him back for locking the half-elf in the cellar once? *On accident*? It had been an accident, and his lord *knew it*. He knew it! Arg...torture...horrible peredhel, horrible...  
  
"OH MY GOD! WAIT 'TIL KATE HEARS ABOUT THIS!" Mel stopped, dead-cold. Oh... Kate. But...if *she* was in Elrond's body, then... Mel gulped in horror and in fear of her impending doom. ...Kate must be Haldir's. Meh. At least Haldir was *kind* of cute...in a haughty, snobby, jerky, nasty, butthead-ish, moronic, dork-brain...sort of way... Eh. Maybe not. Elrond...and Glorfindel were, like, sooo much better. Sucks for Kate.  
  
~*~  
  
"I am a female..." whispered Elrond in disbelief.   
  
"You are a female," confirmed the other woman. "...*I* am a female..." she whispered then to herself.  
  
"You are a female," confirmed Elrond. He broke the hypnotic power that the mirror seemed to be using on him, and turned, curiously, to the female standing beside him. "Yes...you are. But, tell me, fellow...eh...you are an Elf, correct?" he asked.  
  
The other woman nodded her head, somewhat peeved. "Yes. I am Haldir of Lothlórien," replied the woman.   
  
Elrond's eyebrows raised. "Pity," he murmured after a moment. "I had dearly hoped it would be Lord Celeborn."  
  
"And why would you wish that?" asked Haldir, irritated.   
  
"Because, Guardian, it would be *amusing*," replied Elrond with a small smile.   
  
"You find this amusing?" cried Haldir in disbelief. "We are *women*! And who, pray tell, are you, to be so mad like this?"  
  
"Lord Elrond of Imladris," replied Elrond lightly, giving the Marchwarden a cool stare. Haldir seemed to lose his haughty tone and glanced at Elrond in mild surprise, then sighed. "Ai, what are we going to do?"   
  
"We...are..." Elrond stopped, bowing his head. The female's head. The...ohhh...how he hated this! This...stupid...woman...that...*horrible*...cinnamon smell! He gave a vicious snort, trying to clear his nasal passages of that odor.  
  
"Well, I am glad the female human was not ill with a cold," remarked Haldir dryly, his own nose inclining a bit in a haughty manner.  
  
"Oh, *do* be quiet," growled Elrond. He turned to look at Haldir, but met with his female body's chest. Sighing in frustration and embarrassment, he took a step back and looked up. Ohhh...he was so *short*! And Haldir was now so tall! It was not fair. When he had his own body, he nearly towered over the Marchwarden. Which brought him back to the crisis at hand.  
  
"It *appears*..." started Elrond, turning his back to Haldir, "that we are woman."  
  
Haldir snorted, rolling his eyes, but Elrond ignored him and continued. "Young girls in fact. Of the race of Men."   
  
"Great," muttered Haldir, leaning against one of the flower-decorated walls. "Not only am I a female, I am a human. Perfect. Ai, Elbereth, why me?"  
  
"Because you are haughty and the Valar wished to teach you a lesson," replied Elrond with a sigh.  
  
Haldir glared. "And why are *you* here?" he asked.  
  
"To guide you, pen-neth," replied Elrond simply, evenly. "Little haughty elfling, they sent me to guide you." He sighed. "Curse them."  
  
~*~  
  
"What is a dude?" piped Orophin.  
  
Kate looked up, fire in her eyes. His perky voice was so... "A *dude*," she said, her voice dangerously soft, "is slang for male."  
  
"Oh..." replied Orophin, oblivious to his impending doom, smiling. "Thanks Haldir."  
  
"My name," she hissed, "is Kate." She reached for him, hands flexing like claws. After a moment of this, Orophin still smiling like an idiot, she reluctantly lowered her hands back to her sides. Haldir's sides. Oh, holy... She was in Haldir's body. A...prissy...jerky...haughty...*Elf*. And it was *Haldir*. The haughtiest Elf *ever*! He was so haughty that...  
  
"You are a swine."  
  
"You are a snake."  
  
"You are a dirty pair of boots that someone kicks away."  
  
"You are an old dog that a farmer takes out into the woods and shoots it to put it out of its misery."  
  
"You...are a dirt clod."  
  
Silence.  
  
"A dirt clod, Rùmil? Surely you can do better than that..."  
  
"Erm..."  
  
"You are *both* little elflings that run to their mothers when they get see something scary. Like each other's faces," said Kate flatly.  
  
Rùmil and Orophin stared at her, shocked. After a moment, twin grins of pleasure formed on their faces.   
  
"Very good!" said Orophin, patting Kate and the back. "Very good, brother!"  
  
"Oh, how I wish I had thought of that," said Rùmil, still grinning. "You won that one, Hal...Kate."  
  
Kate smiled despite herself. She kind of like these two... A little. Well, once you got past the fact that they were seemingly *perfect*, prissy, haughty...oh, what the heck. They were kind of...nice. They reminded her of her sister, Mel. Which then brought her back to the fact that she hated Mel.   
  
Her smile faded into a scowl. Horrible, horrible Mel... "*She* turned me into Haldir," murmured Kate softly. "Horrible, horrible..."  
  
"What are you muttering about, Haldir?" asked Orophin.   
  
"Kate," corrected Rùmil hurriedly, casting his brother an irritated look.  
  
"Mel," hissed Kate. "*Mel*."  
  
"What...*who* is Mel?" asked Rùmil.  
  
"She is the essence of *evil*," said Kate, eyes narrowing into little slits. "She...is bouncy...giddy...*annoying*. She has never read the books, she is enraptured with Lord Elrond--who is *actually* Hugo Weaving, but does she take the time to look it up? Nooooo. And..." She grit her teeth. "*And* she has turned me into Haldir."   
  
All was silent for a moment.  
  
Finally, Rùmil spoke. "Ha...Kate, what do you mean?"  
  
"Or...no...was it the Twinkies that did it?" murmured Kate. "Darn. Stupid creme-puff things...what *are* Twinkies?"  
  
"Haldir?" said Orophin again, placing a hand on his "brother's" shoulder. "Haldir, I have tried to ignore it for the past...ten minutes, but...something is wrong. You...are you all right? Have I done something...again...?"  
  
Kate looked up at him, a small smile gracing her lips. "Nah, O'phin," she sighed. "It's not your fault. It's just...no...you would laugh if I told you."  
  
"What?" asked Rùmil, somewhat eagerly.   
  
"Well, you see..." started Kate hesitantly. "There was this...Twinkie box..."  
  
"Twinkie box?" repeated Orophin and Rùmil simultaneously.  
  
"It's...bread with custard in the middle...or something."  
  
"Ohhhh..." they replied, total incomprehension on their faces.  
  
"Well, there was a Twinkie box...and it had an 'instant winner' piece of paper in it."  
  
"What?"  
  
"We won a contest instantly. Instant winner," replied Kate with annoyance.   
  
"We?"  
  
"MY SISTER AND I!"  
  
"...Er...sister?"  
  
"Shut up and let me finish."  
  
The two bimbo-Elves nodded slowly, frightened. "Oookay..."  
  
"So we won this contest that said we could got to Middle-earth or something like that. I didn't exactly read it, but I saw questions like 'If you went to Middle-earth, who would you want to be?' or something stupid like that. Mel just happens to be an idiot, so she believed it even *after* I told it was a fake.   
  
"So she filled the stupid thing out and burned it in the kitchen sink, thus bringing me *here*. And...her too, I believe..."  
  
Orophin opened his mouth to say something, but immediately closed it at seeing the glare that came from Kate.  
  
"She *could* be...no. No...she wouldn't! Would she? ...She did! I bet she did! Ooo..." growled Kate, her previous fiery anger coming back into her eyes. "That stupid little girl! She did! She brought me here into Haldir's body and her into Lord Elrond's! I *hate* her! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I..."  
  
"Lord Elrond?" asked Orophin.  
  
Kate looked at him, startled. "Oh... Oh, oh. Oh, yes. Mel has this 'thing' for the Lord of Imladris, who is *actually* Hugo Weaving, as I have said before. The 'Mr. ANDERSON!' guy. God, he's ugly. He's going BALD. And yet Mel LOVES him. Er...Elrond. She hasn't seen the Matrix yet. I have somehow kept that out of her evil claws."   
  
Orophin and Rùmil were looking distressed at this point. They did not have the slightest idea what the 'Matrix' was. Or who 'Mr. Anderson' was. Or Hugo Weaving. And they *still* really did not know who Mel was.  
  
"I have to go there," said Kate suddenly.  
  
"Pardon me?" asked Rùmil.  
  
"I have to go to Rivendell, you idiot!" she screamed. "I don't *want* to be an Elf for longer than I have to be! And Mel is the *only* way out of here. And she's in Rivendell. So...I HAVE TO GO THERE!"  
  
~*~   
  
Haldir glared at Elrond, though the peredhel-lord paid no attention to him. Annoying, the Noldo was. Very annoying.  
  
"What are we going to do?" asked Haldir again, crossing his arms and quirking an eyebrow. He smirked slightly at Elrond's near-lost expression.   
  
"Well...I do...not know...but..." He paused and looked around at the small room. "This...does not appear to be...anything that I have seen before," he said softly, eyes widening. Attentively, he reached out with one hand, his fingers brushing against the long curtain that hung from a pole above a...well, Haldir was not sure it was exactly. It was...white. Big. Strange.  
  
Elrond pushed the curtain back, revealing the rest of the...thing. He stepped over the edge, into it. It appeared to be hollowed out enough for someone to sit down in. Which he did. Much to the amusement of Haldir. Elrond settled himself down, looking at it silently. He laughed suddenly.  
  
"It is a bathtub!" he chortled merrily. "Strange, but it is a bathtub! And...it is attached to the wall..."  
  
"A...bathtub?" repeated Haldir. "But...where is the water? Where are the towels...and the soap?" A silver...thing...jutting out of the wall, slightly above the tub's rim caught his eye. "What is that?" he asked, pointing.   
  
"Mmm...I do not know," replied Elrond absently. He had picked up a colourful sort of container and was now studying it with a sort of fascination.   
  
Haldir took the one step toward the tub and studied the silver object incredulously. There was a sort of...pin that was on the silver object, which Haldir cautiously pulled up. It stayed. Nothing happened. Casting a glance at Elrond who was still studying the container, Haldir moved both of his hands to the two strange-shaped silver handles on either side of the...object. With a quick jerk, he twisted the handles until they could go no further.   
  
The noise startled Elrond and he looked to Haldir. "What did you do?" he demanded with an accusatory tone. Haldir had no time to respond, however, as a strange gurgling and spluttering sound turned their eyes up to look at another silver object that hung near the ceiling.   
  
"Oh, dear..." whispered Elrond with a stricken expression.  
  
"Oops..." murmured Haldir.  
  
~*~   
  
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All right, for you patient readers I have written the next chapter quickly. ...This story seems mediocre to the author so I'm not going to weep if you say you hate it or if it's stupid. Just review. ...PLEASE. I THRIVE on them. They are FOOD for an author. Ugh. Please. 


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